


This Is My Christmas Wish

by GreyGullHaven



Series: GreyGullHaven's Holiday Collection [3]
Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Bisexual Male Character, Demisexuality, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hidden Feelings, Longing, Love Triangle, Lust, Other, Secret Crush, Secret love, ThreeStars of Haven, Threesome - M/M/M, hidden love, not just smut and sex, pansexual male character, three stars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27809017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyGullHaven/pseuds/GreyGullHaven
Summary: AU Setting- No troubles. This is basically a normal world AU separate from the canon storyline so backstories and timelines might not match up to canon content.Summary- That time of year is fast approaching and with Duke and Nathan celebrating as they usually do, there is a secret they both share that may finally come to light this year. Confessions will be made, relationships challenged, and closely guarded secrets will be revealed.
Relationships: Duke Crocker/Dwight Hendrickson/Nathan Wuornos
Series: GreyGullHaven's Holiday Collection [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034799
Comments: 16
Kudos: 9
Collections: AO3 Haven Facebook December Challenge: Holidays Smutmas Awareness and Prevention 2020, Fanfiction Writers United Multiples Collection





	1. This Is My Christmas Wish

This Is My Christmas Wish- A Duke/Nathan/Dwight Story by GreyGullHaven


	2. Losing My Resolve

Dwight sighed as he stood outside the Grey Gull for a moment, steeling his nerves before he went inside. It was a cold winter night, and the place was eerily quiet and still. The only vehicle parked outside was Jane's car, everyone else having long gone home to continue the celebrations with family. The moon shone brightly in the still night sky, the silver light reflecting off the fresh layer of snow that had been falling lightly most of the day. Twinkling stars danced in the dark sky overhead as well while Dwight stood there for a moment, small puffs of smoke forming around his head with every breath. Taking in a slow and deep breath, he closed his eyes for a moment and then walked onto the porch and opened the door.

The instant the door swung open, a wave of warm air hit him in the face, making his eyes water slightly at the sudden temperature change. Inside, the Gull was warm and cozy. Festive decorations adorned the walls and ceiling, and soft music could be heard now that the place was mostly empty. The lingering smell of sugar and spices spoke of the massive amounts of cooking Duke had been doing the last few days. As he gazed around the empty restaurant, Dwight's eyes fell to the bar where the young redhead stood wiping down the countertop and putting away the last of the dishes. Looking up from where she stood, her eyes met Dwight’s and she gave him a relieved smile as she wiped her hands and walked out from behind the bar quickly.

"Hey Dwight, thanks for coming," she said with a slight smile.

"So, where are they?" he asked as he glanced around the surprisingly quiet space.

"Their usual spot," Jane said as she rolled her eyes and motioned over her shoulder to the back corner of the restaurant. 

Dwight walked around to the end of the bar and looked to the booth that was tucked away in the far corner. His brow furrowed and his mouth dropped open slightly as he stared for a minute and then turned back to face Jane.

"Oh, for the love of... you have got to be fucking kidding me..."

"Hey, I told you when I called that they were wasted."

"Yeah, I thought they’d be a little tipsy… I didn't think they would be THIS wasted," Dwight said as he glanced back to the booth and rubbed the back of his head with a sigh at the scene that was laid out before him. 

Duke and Nathan sat together in the booth laughing and talking rather loudly. Duke was propped up against the wall that the booth was set against, Nathan awkwardly situated between his legs as he leaned over on the table. Dwight watched as Duke reached around the unmoving form and grabbed the brown bottle in front of Nathan and frowned, finding it empty as well.

Blinking hard as he stared at them Dwight sighed. "And exactly how much have they had to drink tonight?" Dwight asked reluctantly, not taking his eyes off the two men in the booth.

"Ummm let's see," Jane said as she did a quick count in her head. "They've finished a 12 pack of beer between them... and have had a couple of shots each as well."

"And, tell me again why I am the lucky bastard who has to deal with them?"

"You honestly think I am going to try and kick out my boss AND the Chief's son? Yeah no... this one is beyond my pay-grade." 

Rubbing the back of his head Dwight conceded defeat. "Ok yeah... You got a point there," Dwight said with a sigh. "You do realize though that I am no designated driver right now either, right? Alcohol acts the same whether you are drinking it with someone or drinking it alone."

"Hey, you answered your phone, managed to walk here, and are still standing upright on your own accord. That already has you far more sober than these two turkeys!"

"Fair enough... you got me there," Dwight said in surrender as he watched the two men in the booth who seemed to stumble over each other without even being upright or moving.

"Have fun," Jane said with a smirk as she patted Dwight's shoulder slightly. "And good luck.”

“Thanks… got a feeling I’m going to need it…” Dwight sighed as he looked at the two in the booth again then looked back to Jane. “How long has it been since their last drink?”

“About two hours ago I would guess I cut them off. So, maybe another hour or so till the worst of this is over?" she said guesting towards the two in the booth. "I’ve seen Duke a lot worse than this so that’s a plus for you, I guess. If it was only him, I’d just send him upstairs like usual. But with Nathan drunk off his ass too…”

“No, you were right Jane, thanks for calling,” Dwight said with a sigh, deep down feeling somewhat annoyed that he had been called to deal with the two lovesick fools, but at the same time he was also almost grateful that Jane had called him to make sure they were taken care of.

“You have half an hour to get them out of here or the three of you will be spending the night here cuz I'll be locking up."

With that, Jane turned and made her way back to the kitchen to finish the end of the day clean up. Dwight stood for a moment at the corner of the bar, watching the two men, trying to wrap his mind around everything. Around the fact that out of everyone else in the entire damned town, he was the one standing there trying to figure out what to do with a drunk Duke Crocker and Nathan Wuornos. Of course, it had to be them. Not like things weren't already awkward enough for him having to deal with them in regular day to day interactions. It was getting harder and harder to hide his feelings when he was around them. And he swore on more than one occasion Duke was intentionally flirting with him to see what his reaction would be. Nathan also appeared to be picking up on things and was getting more and more flirtatious all the time it seemed.

Deep down though, Dwight was thankful that it was these two at least who he had been called to deal with. Rather them than one of the many other drunks he had had to contend with the last few weeks. Nathan and Duke thankfully were still fairly easy to handle when they were drunk- Nathan was a silly drunk most of the time and Duke just got quirkier and more opinionated when he lost even more of his inhibitions. Dwight glanced over his shoulder back towards the kitchen and Jane looked at him sternly, pointing to her watch. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off the bar and whispered a silent prayer that things didn't get too crazy before he could get them settled back down. 

"Hey Duke, Nathan!" he called out as he walked over to the table. "How's it going? Looks like you two have been enjoying yourselves."

"Hey, Sasquatch," Duke said with a grin and a wink at Dwight as he watched the scowl spread over his friend's face, taking even more delight than normal it seemed at the irritation that nickname brought with it. "Finally come to join the party? Hey Jane, can we get another round over here?" he called out to the bar.

Dwight looked over at Jane who was glaring at them and shook her head as she called back across the room.

"Not a chance Crocker. Already told you, you've both been cut off for the night."

"She doesn't have to get so pissy...." Duke muttered as he ran a finger along the edge of one of the empty shot glasses that sat on the table in front of him. "Hey, Dwight. Be a buddy ... go get some for us?"

"Oh, hell no," Dwight insisted holding his hands up. "Not a chance Duke. I don't have a death wish tonight," he said jerking his thumb in the direction of the bar.

"Look who's being a spoilsport," Duke muttered, his words slurring slightly as he nudged Nathan, causing the man to jolt out of the daze he had been in up to that moment.

"Wha.. oh Dwight," Nathan said, giving his friend a drunken grin and a weak wave. "Come ta' join us?"

"No, Nathan," Dwight sighed as he started to feel his own headache set in and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm here to get you both home... preferably before you end up undressing each other right here," he said with a chuckle he couldn't keep repressed as he finally registered the fact that Duke's shirt was unbuttoned and his belt hung loose and unbuckled around his waist. Nathan was in an even further state of undress, his shirt having been totally discarded somewhere earlier that night.

"Party pooper," Nathan muttered then looked at Duke and smiled again drunkenly. "We were just going to give each other our Christmas presents."

Duke chuckled as he wagged his finger back and forth admonishingly with a grin. "And we will do all that later. All in good time."

"Too excited to wait..." Nathan mumbled, his form swaying slightly as he sat there still seated precariously against the lounging form of his lover. " Love ya Duke... " he proclaimed suddenly, his voice carrying farther than he likely realized.

"Love, ya more," Duke declared with a laugh as he reached up and ruffled the already disheveled hair of his lover. "Already told ya I did."

"No, love you more," Nathan said loudly as he poked Duke in the chest with a drunken grin as his hand dropped down to the belt hanging temptingly loose around Duke's hips.

Duke sighed and gave him a somewhat exasperated look and then smiled. "And I told you...to wait till somewhere private."

"Who's gonna see?" Nathan pouted, waving his hand randomly around. "No one 'round."

"I'm still here and would rather not see!" called out Jane from across the bar. "Oh, and Dwight? You got 15 minutes then I'm locking up."

"Alright you two drunk love birds," Dwight muttered with a sigh. "Time to go, come on...let’s move it!"

Dwight watched as the two tried to untangle themselves from each other and get out of the booth. As he did, he couldn't help but sense that familiar and terrifying feeling creeping into his heart once again. Watching Nathan trying to shift off of Duke's lap and Duke's failed attempts at helping him were filling his mind with thoughts. Thought he'd rather not have to deal with. Thought that he tried so hard to keep at bay far too often. It was hard enough dealing with normal every day contact, and he swore he was only falling harder and getting closer to that point of no return every time. Pushing down the feelings that were working their way into his consciousness, despite his best efforts to keep them at bay, Dwight sighed as he watched the two still struggling to get out of the booth.

Nathan hissed as he attempted to untangle himself from Duke's lap. "Hey, watch where you put that hand!" 

"That's your hand...not mine," Duke shouted. "This... this is my hand," he said loudly as he raised his hand for Nathan to see and then gave Nathan a firm push to get him off the edge of the booth.

Staggering to his feet, Nathan almost collided with Dwight but stopped himself just short and stood there somewhat unsteadily. As he swayed for a moment and regained his balance, Nathan grinned as he looked at Dwight, the smell of alcohol heavy on his breath.

"Know what Dwight? I love you," Nathan declared a little too loudly, his voice carrying in the still and quiet restaurant. "I really.. really love ya... like a lot..." he continued as he put a hand on the other man's shoulder.

Dwight felt the flush and heat start to creep up his neck as he forced an awkward smile and nodded.

"Love ya too, Nathan" he muttered softly, praying that Jane couldn't hear him, though he knew she was probably watching every second of this with a wicked smile on her face.

"Not as much as I love you, Dwight!" Duke called out loudly from where he was still struggling to get up from the bench seat, "Everyone knows... I love ya most..." he muttered as he finally staggered to his feet and took a few clumsy steps towards Dwight before stumbling and catching himself by throwing his arms around Dwight's neck. 

Dwight nodded silently, unable to speak for a moment as the smell of alcohol, mixed with the Valentino cologne Duke was so fond of, hit him. Dwight pulled Duke up to his feet, not sure whether he was more pissed at Duke for putting him in this position or more pissed at himself for the feelings and thoughts that he was unable to control at that moment.

"Love ya sooo much....." Duke declared as he tried to steady himself again.

"Yeah... um... love ya too Duke," Dwight mumbled quickly as he untangled Duke's arms from around him, desperate to break both the eye contact and the physical contact. "Hey Jane..." he called over his shoulder. "Think I could get a little help here?"

"Sorry, not in my pay-grade. I'm sure you will manage just fine," she called out with a smirk. "Keys are on the counter whenever you want to lock up. Have fun!" said in a voice that was all too chipper and cheerful for Dwight's liking.

Dwight muttered under his breath as he watched her almost skip out of the Gull, not a care in the world at that moment. "Thanks for nothing, Jane..." 

"Know what Dwight?" Duke asked as he stood there swaying slightly as he pointed at Dwight. "I love..."

"Yeah I know.. You too," Dwight interrupted as he sighed softly, wishing they would start sobering up a bit more. "Come on, let's go. Rather not be babysitting you two passed out here on the floor all night."

Moments later they were staggering down the to the docks, with thankfully no witnesses around to see. Dwight trudged along, Nathan's arm around him as Nathan leaned heavily against him. They were making painfully slow progress as Nathan was having a bit of trouble keeping his balance. Duke was a step or two ahead of them. Dwight's free hand was stretched out to give Duke a gentle nudge whenever he and Nathan caught up to him. Thankfully, it was not all that far from the Gull to the Cape Rouge. But even so, Dwight was gasping for breath by the time they got on deck. His face was red and flushed too though he honestly couldn't tell if that was just from the sheer effort it had taken or if it was from something else.

"Ok, you two... bed!" Dwight commanded as he closed the hatch behind them and then followed them down the narrow hallway to the bedroom at the end.

"Oh, are you finally joining us?" Duke asked as he turned and looked over his shoulder with a grin, immediately regretting it as it sent him off balance and staggered slightly, catching himself on the bed less than gracefully. 

Dwight rolled his eyes and ignored the question, silently wishing he had indulged a little more himself before Jane had called. He turned his attention to Nathan who was struggling to get his shoes off. Stooping down, Dwight helped Nathan kick off the shoes and slid them under the bed so no one would trip over them in a drunken stupor later on. As he stood up, he found Nathan staring at him as their eyes locked. Leaning in closer, Nathan fumbled with the front of Dwight's shirt, muttering curses about stupid buttons and whatnot. 

"Nathan..." Dwight said with a sigh, unable to keep the smirk off his face as he laid his hands over Nathan's and pulled them down. "This shirt doesn't have any buttons," he said simply.

"Oh...." Nathan muttered with a concentrated look on his face. "We'll just start somewhere else then..." he said with a chuckle as he ran his hands down to the waistband of Dwight's jeans.

"Hey now... none of that…" Dwight said trying to move back out of reach, knowing full well that if things got to that point, he'd not have the willpower to stop things from going any farther... hell, he knew it was taking every ounce of his resolve to hold himself back as it was.

Dwight backed up until he felt something firm against his back. Glancing over his shoulder he was surprised to see it was Duke, who had somehow gotten off the bed and behind him without him noticing. Dwight froze as he felt that strong warm body press against his back as Duke stepped even closer and slowly wrapped his arms around Dwight's waist as he leaned his head over to rest on his shoulder. 

"Come on Dwight... what's the harm in having a little fun? Alone at last."

A shiver ran down Dwight's spine. An unguarded moan escaped his lips as Duke's beard tickled the side of his neck. He had found himself wondering countless times what that would feel like. And now he was absolutely dumbfounded that something so simple could feel so absolutely exquisite. Dwight gasped slightly as Duke nuzzled the side of his neck and kissed just below his ear. It was all Dwight could do to weakly turn his head away as his eyes slid closed, feeling the last shred of his resolve starting to unravel completely.

"Why are you fighting so hard?" Duke asked as he lowered his head against Dwight's shoulder, running his hand up under the edge of Dwight's shirt ever so slightly. 

"Because..." Dwight moaned as he bit at his lip slightly, willing his body to not react and straining to keep his voice even. "It's not you talking... it's just the alcohol."

"Liquid courage..." Nathan said as he reached out and grabbed one of Dwight's hands and pulled him closer to where he sat on the edge of the bed, Duke following behind, still not releasing his hold. 

Duke nodded in agreement, his hands slowly slid up farther, causing Dwight to shiver involuntarily in response to the touch. "Nothing wrong with that at all...."

"Yes... there is..." Dwight whimpered, closing his eyes once more, trying to ignore the fact that something he had spent countless afternoons daydreaming about and had longed for, for so long, was actually happening. "You won't remember any of this... you won't remember what you are feeling and what you are saying... none of it will matter in the morning..."

"Doesn't have to be that way..." Nathan said softly as his hands slid along the waistband of Dwight's jeans and then down slowly, fingers lightly brushing over the bulge that gave away all too clearly exactly how Dwight felt about the attention he was getting. “If you want it, it can be more.”

"You'll just have to remind us... of what happened," Duke muttered softly as he moved from behind and grabbed Dwight's chin, turning his head so Duke was looking directly into his eyes. "If you like it that is... won't know if ya don't try," Duke said with an almost needful moan of his own as he leaned over and pressed his lips against Dwight's and smiled as he felt him return the kiss with a shuddering moan. 

"You're not the only one.... who's been curious," Nathan said, a smile spreading over his face as he watched them for a moment then slowly stood, sliding his hands up under Dwight's shirt ever so slightly. "You're not the only one... who wants this..." Leaning closer, Nathan placed light kisses down the side of Dwight's neck and grinned as Dwight broke the kiss with a whimpering moan.

Dwight knew there was no holding back. In that instant, he felt his control start to slip away. He started to lose himself in the sensation running through his entire body in that moment. Feeling the heat creeping up the back of his neck. The warning cry of his brain already fighting with the desire he felt raging inside. Dwight forced himself to pull away, breaking the contact he had longed for, for so long. Taking a few staggering steps away from the bed, Dwight stood against the wall. With trembling hands resting on the rough stone as he fought against the suffocating waves that were washing over him. His heartbeat pounded in his ears. His breathing was shallow and quick. His mind was racing with a million different thoughts and emotions all at once. Dwight closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cold wall, trying to rein in the thoughts and emotions that were threatening to tear him apart.

"Dwight..." Duke said softly as he remained where he was, looking from Dwight to Nathan and back.

A noise that was somewhere between a groan and a whimper was the only response Duke got. Slowly, Nathan stood and made his way to stand beside Dwight, putting a hand on his shoulder lightly.

"Dwight... " Nathan's voice was edged with concern as he spoke, as the haze began to clear from his mind, being replaced by a dull buzz.

"Hey, easy there..." Duke said as he moved to the wall and gently sipped a finger under Dwight's chin, lifting his head slightly as he spoke. " It's okay, Dwight,” he said, his voice soft and clear as his mind, still fuzzy and buzzed slightly, started working through what had all happened. “It’s ok Dwight…If you don't want to..."

"Of course, I fucking want to, Duke!" Dwight exclaimed with a bitter laugh before he could stop himself, and turned his head away again. "Of course I want to know what it's like... to be wanted... to be loved.... Of course I want to feel something... anything.... other than this pain and emptiness. Of course I want it."

"Then what's wrong, Dwight?" Nathan asked softly, seeing the waves of emotion crashing behind the dark eyes.

"What's wrong is I want this. I want this more than anything. For fucks sake I have spent god knows how long wanting this moment... longing for it. But I... I don't deserve it. I don't deserve this from anyone... but especially not from you two."

"Have never heard such rubbish…" Nathan said as he looked at Duke who nodded. 

"You’ve never been more wrong about anything in your life, Sasch," Duke said firmly as he gently yet firmly put his hands on Dwight's shoulders and forced him to face them. "So, how about you tell us what this is really all about?"


	3. Losing My Inhibitions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to give a big shout-out of thanks to GreyHaven for helping me get Dwight figured out. He is a stubborn one at times so I really appreciate her help getting him to cooperate and get this part of the story done!

It had taken a lot of persuasions and Dwight honestly didn’t really know why he was still there more than an hour later. He could have easily gotten up and left. Wasn’t like there was a lot Duke or Nathan could have done to keep him there if he really had wanted to leave. And part of him did want to leave. To run out of the Cape Rouge and never look back. To forget everything and anything he had ever felt. But at the same time, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Something, something he didn’t know whether to bless or curse, but something inside him kept him from leaving. And so, he stayed. Dwight sat there silently on the edge of the bed, bracketed by Duke and Nathan, and tried to quiet his mind. And good lord, there was a lot to quiet. So much noise, so many thoughts, so many emotions, all clamoring for attention in his mind. None of them were good.

He fucked up again, just like he always did. Just like any other time before. He did what he thought was right and it was starting to implode. He couldn’t use the excuse of being drunk any longer. His head was starting to clear; the pleasant alcohol haze was wearing off and he was faced with reality. And there was no escape. The reality being Duke and Nathan. The reality being that they wanted answers he didn’t want to give. The reality being he had let the secret slip. The reality being that he’d said too much. Now they knew. Now there was no escape. They wouldn’t let him escape, as was their right. They deserved better than to be left wondering.

Dwight stared at the ceiling, at the wall, at the floor. Looking anywhere, anywhere at all, other than at them. He couldn’t look at them, not with everything that has happened. He knew what he would see. Disappointment as he fumbled over an explanation and they realized just how much of a fuck up he was. He didn’t want to see that. So, Dwight fixed his eyes on a tiny speck on the carpet and started to speak.

“I don’t deserve it,” he said, his voice cracking. “I don’t deserve _you.”_

"Never heard such rubbish, Sasquatch," Duke said simply, watching his friend closely, the waves of emotion being almost tangible in that moment. "What on earth would make you say something like that?"

The room fell silent once more, neither Duke nor Nathan making any movement to leave or to push for answer. Just silent, still acceptance that whatever was going on, whatever it was Dwight was dealing with, they were there for the long haul. No matter how long it took to get him to open up. 

Dwight stood up, started to pace. Around the bed, stop, face the wall, turn around. Back around, stop, eyes falling to the floor again. Dwight glanced up at them again, looked away, leaned with hands against the wall, and stared at the floor once more. Shoulders slumped in defeat, he gave a heavy sigh and finally spoke. 

“Because I’m a fuck up” he spat out, the self-loathing, embarrassment, and disgust evident in his voice as he closed his eyes.

"Join the club, Dwight," Nathan said with a slight laugh, trying to lighten the mood. Seeing the look on his friend's face though killed the laugh short. 

"Even if you were a fuck up, which you're not," Duke said giving Dwight a look. "Nathan's got a point. You are in pretty good company here. None of us are exactly saints here."

“I shouldn’t even be alive,” Dwight said, still not looking up at them.

"Hey I thought we had agreed, no thinking and talking like that," Duke said, his voice a little stern but his eyes sad as he reached out and grabbed Dwight's arm, pulling him away from the wall and forcing him to at least face them if not look at them. "I didn't spend all those nights staying up to ungodly hours, getting drunk with you, just to have you get back to this point again."

Dwight met Duke’s gaze and for a brief moment, then looked away, staring at the dark outside the porthole. “You don’t know the half of it….” he muttered.

"How can we, if you won't talk, Dwight?” Nathan asked simply. “You know we’ve always been here for you. Why shut us out? Now of all times?"

“Because it’s getting _real.”_

"And that's a frightening realization," Nathan said simply, it being a statement more than a question.

"It's real for us too, Dwight," Duke said as he stood and put a hand on Dwight's shoulder reassuringly, watching him closely, trying to gauge his reaction.

Dwight leaned into the contact, just for a moment before he pulled away again. He turned his head away and shook his head ever so slightly. “You deserve better.”

"Better doesn't exist," Duke said as he gave Dwight's shoulder a gentle squeeze before he pulled away. 

"Even if it did, that's not the point," Nathan spoke, his voice quiet yet serious as he watched as Dwight turned away again. "The point is Dwight...we choose. And we choose you."

“You shouldn’t.”

"You keep saying that. Doesn't make it any less ridiculous," Duke said simply. " Even imperfect, damaged, broken Dwight is better than no Dwight at all.”

“All of us are damaged” Nathan added simply. “Hell, this whole town is fucked up beyond belief.”

Duke nodded; his gaze still fixed on the man standing in front of them. “But that doesn't change what we want... what I'm pretty sure you want, if a couple of hours ago was any indication."

Dwight looked up sharply. “What I - what you want and what’s good for you are two different things.”

Duke’s expression softened slightly as he spoke. “I think Nate and I would be the best judges for what is or isn’t good for us.”

"So, what's it going to take, Dwight?" Nathan asked as he locked eyes with the man staring back at them. "What'll it take for you to accept that someone actually does give a damn about you? That someone cares? That someone wants to be let inside that guarded shell of yours?"

Dwight looked away. “I need -” he said, his voice strangled. “I need some air. Can we…” He didn’t wait for an answer, just strode out and up onto the deck where the air was cool and clear. And it was dark. It was safer in the dark. They wouldn’t be able to see him. He didn’t want to be _seen._

Duke and Nathan watched as Dwight fled, both giving each other a knowing look. Dwight was being...well... Dwight. "Let him be for a bit," Nathan said as he put a hand on Duke's shoulder, holding him back. "Give him some time, if he wants to go, nothing we do is going to keep him here. If he's still there, then we go from there. But give him a little bit first."

Knowing better than to chase after him in a huff, they held back for a bit, giving him time to have what he needed at that moment. Space. Time. Freedom.

Duke nodded, moved to sit down on the bed, then changed his mind. “Want a beer?”

"As good as that sounds right now, I think one of us needs to be at least semi sober for this," Nathan said simply. "Though I’m sure Dwight would prefer to be wasted again right now," he added with a sigh as he glanced towards the doorway.

“I’m getting a beer. Coming?”

"Sure... no point in just sitting here. Lead the way."

Duke nodded and strode out to the kitchen. He grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge, flicked the caps off them, and went over to the hatch. “I can’t just leave him out there, Nate. If he’s still there even, he shouldn’t be alone. I can’t leave him on his own.”

"I know," Nathan said simply. "I'm worried about him too."

  
  
Duke gave a nod and swung open the hatch, the cooler air hitting them as they stepped out onto the deck. Glancing around, they both felt a rush of relief seeing Dwight standing on the deck still. But that relief was replaced by a deeper, more painful feeling as they took in the sight before them.  
  
Dwight was leaning on the railing, staring out at the ink-dark ocean. In the dim light coming from the hatch, they saw his body shake with silent sobs. They watched him run his sleeve across his eyes. He didn’t acknowledge them but the set of his shoulders showed that he knew they were there.

Without a word, Duke and Nathan walked over to where Dwight stood. Neither of them spoke or made a sound. They simply stood there, on either side of the still trembling form. Duke on one side, Nathan on the other. They simply stood there, hoping that their presence alone was enough in that moment. 

Dwight shuddered, closed his eyes, and forced himself to be calm. Forced himself to push back the thoughts. Force himself to try and silence the voices in his head. Forced himself to draw comfort from the two men who were once again bracketing him. He grabbed hold of the beer bottle that Duke offered him, took a long swig from it, and leaned more heavily on the railing, still staring out at the sea. Maybe this would go easier if he didn’t have to look at them.

“I hurt everyone around me,” he said eventually. “Everyone I get close to… ends up the worse for it.”

"Not sure where you are getting this line of logic," Nathan said, glancing to the side at Dwight for a moment before turning back to stare out into the darkness of the harbor, out towards the point of light that was the lighthouse. "But it is a load of bullshit if you ask me."

Dwight barked out a harsh laugh as his grip tightened on the railing. "Janet, Lizzie, my unit in Afghanistan. I think they'd all disagree with you."

"And none of that was your fault, Dwight," Nathan said, turning to look at him once more. "You were as much a casualty of what happened as they were."  
  
"And don't discredit all those you have helped," Duke said putting a hand on his arm comfortingly. " All your work in the military. All you have done for the people of Haven. And there's everything you have done for us," Duke added as he gave Dwight's arm a gentle squeeze before turning to look out across the dark emptiness of the night harbor. 

"Nothing I will ever do can make up for what I _didn't_ do."

"And there's only so much anyone can or could do," Nathan sighed as he looked over at his friend. "You are human Dwight. Albeit one of the hardest working people I've ever known…"

"And don't forget stubborn and hard-headed!" Duke added with a slight chuckle, watching Dwight's reaction, hoping to catch a hint of something in response, some sign of that wall starting to crack.

Dwight managed a weak smile at that, but his face fell again when Nathan spoke. 

"That... and also one of the most loyal too. You may feel like you could never do enough or that you could have done more. But you did the best you could Dwight. And that's all anyone can do."

"Don't," he said, his voice cracking for what felt like the hundredth time that night. "I didn't do enough."

"Sorry Dwight, not happening this time," Nathan said, turning to look at his friend squarely. "You need to accept this. You did the best that you could. Beating yourself up isn't going to change anything. It won't undo the past. It's only going to ruin the good here and now."

Dwight had nowhere to run. Literally or figuratively. He took a deep breath as the memories came rushing back. Along with the voice that was always just at the edge of his consciousness. With a ragged sigh, Dwight spoke at last.

"I came back and they were gone. Everyone was gone. My unit in Afghanistan, captured, tortured, dead. I got home and the house was empty. Janet and Lizzie were gone. There was nothing left, just divorce papers, left on the bedside table, ready for me to sign. I did what I thought was right and it wasn't enough. It’s never enough. For anyone. I won't be enough for you, either."

Gently Duke laid a hand over the white-knuckled hand that was clinging to the railing like it was the last thing keeping him from falling apart completely. "I think Nathan and I would be the better judges of whether or not you are enough...." he said softly. With his other hand, Duke slipped his fingers under Dwight's chin, gently turning his head, forcing him to face him. "And spoiler alert... you _are_ enough."  
  
"For both of us," Nathan said as he put a hand on Dwight's shoulder, pausing for a moment and giving a soft smile when he didn't pull away from the touch. Slowly the hand slid farther until Nathan's arm was draped casually yet comfortingly around Dwight's shoulders.

Dwight leaned into Nathan's touch, met Duke's eyes, and in that moment, he crumbled. His breath caught in his chest, emerging as a choked sob. He shook his head but it was a weak objection. "I can't -" he started, swallowed hard, and tried again. "I can't go through that again. I can't pick myself up from that again. I won’t survive that again."

"And you won't ever have to," Nathan replied simply, tightening his hold slightly as Dwight seemed to curl into the embrace a little more. "Will take time, we know, but we're here till you accept it. We aren't going anywhere, Dwight."  
  
"You're in control," Duke added, running his thumb gently to wipe at the tears that had slipped through as Dwight turned his head slightly. "Whatever you want. Whatever you don't want. No pressure, no acting, no pretending. As much as you want, or as little as you want. We aren't going anywhere, unless you tell us to."

Dwight angled his face into Duke's touch, craving the gentle contact that he didn't deserve. "I'll try," he whispered, barely trusting himself to speak. "Ok? I'll try."

"And that's all anyone can ever ask for," Nathan said with a soft smile, pulling him closer and leaned in, resting his head against Dwight's, hand sliding down his back lightly then back up slowly.

Duke's hand fell and rested on Dwight's hand once again, thumb gently rubbing the back of his hand. "Whatever it takes. However long it takes. You won't have to be alone. And we are going to help you learn to believe that."

Dwight slowly let go of the railing and turned his hand over to lace his fingers with Duke's. "You'll be patient with me?" Dwight shuddered slightly at how pathetic he sounded. How weak he was being. But at the same time, there was a comfort. A peace. A stillness. There was something he felt there with them that he had almost forgotten. And it was enough to make it him stay.

"Of course," Nathan said softly into the messy hair that was tickling his nose, placing the softest of kisses against Dwight's temple, so soft it was almost unnoticeable.

Duke nodded slightly and tightened his hold on Dwight's hand as he gave a reassuring smile. "And if anything gets to be too much, or you need your space, or don’t want something... just say the word."

“You guys are the best,” Dwight whispered, and stopped himself from adding _I don’t deserve you._ They didn’t want to hear that. They’d argue with him and tell him he was wrong and he had already asked enough from them for tonight. So, he stood there silently. Accepting the comfort and support that they were offering.

**

A short time later, at Duke's suggestion, they were back inside where it was much warmer and a heck of a lot cozier. As nice as the moment on deck had gotten, December in Haven was absolutely frigid and truth be told, none of them felt like freezing. Inside the Cape Rouge, the mood was much more relaxed than it had been just a short while ago. As Duke closed the hatch behind them, he looked over at Dwight, his hand still on the latch.

"Ya staying, Dwight?" he asked.

The question was simple and there was no pressure or judgment in his voice. But the look in Duke's eyes gave away what he hoped the answer would be. For a moment, silence hung heavy in that small space as Duke and Nathan both seemed to hold their breath. Duke watched Dwight closely, waiting to know whether he should lock things down for the night or not.

Dwight hesitated, then nodded, a small smile slowly spreading across his lips. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm staying."

With a smile Duke slid the lock on the hatch closed. As he walked forward, he grabbed Dwight's hand and pulled him along for a moment. Duke led him to the small reading nook and to the worn but cozy looking couch that was set between two bookshelves overflowing with books. Letting go of his hand with a gentle squeeze, Duke flopped back onto the couch and smiled up at Dwight. He hoped the simple gesture of letting him decide where he went made him feel comfortable and safe still.

Dwight hesitated, just for a second. A split second of doubt pushing into his mind. The voice starting to whisper to him once again. But he quickly pushed it back as he looked from Duke to Nathan and back to Duke. They wanted him. Duke had asked him to stay. Nathan was quiet, giving him time and space to process. Everything was good. He was welcome here.

With an almost shy smile, Dwight sat down beside Duke, leaving a small gap between them. Duke gave him a reassuring smile and slowly stretched out his arm, giving a slight pause so he didn't catch Dwight off guard with the contact. He let his armrest along the back of the couch and then slowly let it slide down to rest lightly on Dwight's shoulders. Duke watched him carefully, ready to pull back as he saw Dwight flinch slightly at the touch. But almost immediately Dwight started to relax again. Ever so slightly Duke gave him a reassuring pat, the simple gentle gestures a somewhat stark contrast to the bold and brazen flirting and passes that had taken place earlier that evening. 

Nathan stood against the wall silently for a moment. A hint of a grin spread across his face as he watched Dwight finally start to relax a bit. He joined them, sitting on the far end and shifted so he was sitting with his back against the arm of the couch. One foot resting on the floor, the other half tucked under him as he sat, he smiled at the men sitting on the other end of the couch. Nathan gave Dwight a slight nod when he caught his gaze for a moment. He hoped that being close enough for Dwight to initiate contact if he wanted yet not encroaching on his personal space or making him feel trapped would help him relax even more. 

"You doing ok Dwight?" Duke asked simply. "Want anything?" 

Dwight hesitated again. "Yeah," he said after a moment’s thought. "Not that I don't appreciate you being...gentle, but can you stop treating me like I'm made of glass or a scared animal that's gonna run away. I'm fucked up, not fragile."

"Right, member of the fucked-up club, not the fragile club- got it," Duke said with a chuckle. "Will try to remember that Squatch," he teased softly, pulling Dwight closer as he tightened his arm around his shoulder slightly.

"It's a very prestigious club, if I do say so myself," Nathan said with a wry grin. "Duke and I have been lifelong members."  
  
Nathan's smile broadened as he saw Dwight laugh somewhat at that. Shifting his position on the couch, he leaned all the way back so his head was resting in Dwight's lap. For a brief moment their eyes met and then Nathan closed his eyes and gave a soft sigh.

"You're a really comfy pillow..." he muttered simply as he looked up at Dwight for a moment then closed his eyes again.

Dwight laughed softly. "Ok, good. At least I'm useful for something."

Nathan opened his eyes, a mix of sternness and sadness in them as he looked up at Dwight again. He wanted to tell Dwight how wrong he was about himself. Wanted to make him see. But he knew it wouldn't do any good to lecture. So instead, he took Dwight's hand in his, lacing fingers with his. "For a lot of things," he said simply.

"Just gotta get you to where you see it in yourself," Duke said as Dwight turned to look at him. 

Leaning closer Duke lightly pressed his lips against Dwight’s. The kiss was soft, light, and quick. As soon as Dwight registered what was happening, Duke pulled back and looked at him once more.

"But that kind of talk can't be allowed any longer," he said, his voice slightly stern but the tone of his voice still held a teasing edge to it. "So, tell me, Dwight. Tell me one thing you like about yourself."

"I have a sense of humor. Which, apparently, neither of you understand."

"Ouch," Nathan said with a slight laugh. "But I guess you got a point there."

Everything fell silent for a moment as they sat in the stillness before Duke spoke once more.

"Glad you stayed Dwight."

"I'm glad I stayed too."

The words had barely left Dwight's lips before Duke leaned closer, kissing him once more. It started soft and gentle but quickly shifted as Duke's hand ran through the mess of brown hair. Pulling Dwight closer, Duke deepened the kiss, hoping that it could convey what he had always failed for so long to be able to say to him with those awkward and stumbling words. 

Dwight couldn't stop the tiny sound that escaped from him as he kissed back. He could lose himself forever in the feel of Duke's lips against his. But he put his hand in the center of Duke's chest, over his heart, and gently pushed him away. "Don't want to rush this. Want to do it right."

Duke closed his eyes for a moment and fought back the needful whimper that threatened to escape as Dwight pushed away. He smiled and nodded in agreement and was about to say something in response when Nathan interrupted.

"And where's mine?" Nathan asked with a grin, eyes still closed.

"Oh, you silly man..." Duke said with a laugh as he leaned over and kissed Nathan's forehead and then gave a stretch. "Don't know about the two of you, but I'm running on empty."

Nathan nodded in agreement as he got up and started down the hall, calling back over his shoulder as he went. "I'll get the bed ready." 

"Ya coming Dwight?" Duke asked, trying to sound as casual as he could as he stood up from the couch. "Plenty of room and a lot more comfortable than the couch."

Dwight nodded and stood up. "Pretty beat," he said, following Duke down to the bedroom.

By the time they got to the bedroom, Nathan was already sliding under the covers on the far side of the bed, his shirt and pants draped over the chair that was set against the wall. Silently Duke muttered a thanks that the god-awful holiday boxers he had decided to wear that day were hidden from view under the covers. 

Glancing back over his shoulder at Dwight, Duke pulled his shirt off and tossed it across the room and climbed into the bed. Going commando had its perks when it was just him and Nathan fooling around... not so much that night. Luckily he was used to sleeping in his clothes so it made no real difference to him.

"Plenty of room wherever you want," Duke said looking up at Dwight with an encouraging grin.

Dwight lifted an eyebrow. "You're sleeping in your pants?"

Duke scratched the back of his head suddenly feeling a little awkward. 

"Yeah well... I kinda tend to go... commando, a lot.." he muttered.

"Try like, almost always," Nathan said teasingly.

Duke glared at him then turned back to Dwight and smiled sheepishly, "So yeah.. Don't really do the whole boxers or PJs thing... One of the many Duke Crocker quirks I guess," he added with a laugh.

"So, you're sleeping in your pants for my benefit?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at Duke, with a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Not like I haven't passed out in bed fully dressed before," Duke said with a shrug. "But yeah doing it for you tonight. Remember, promised we'd take things slow." 

Dwight rolled his eyes and laughed. "I dunno about the two of you, but I'm capable of sleeping beside a naked person without it turning into anything other than sleeping. Nothing inherently sexual about nudity. Get comfortable."

"Don't have to tell us twice," Duke said, as he squirmed under the blankets, making surprisingly quick work of freeing himself. Soon the pants were tossed across the room, Nathan’s gaudy red boxers following shortly after. 

Dwight shrugged out of his jacket and placed it neatly over the chair in the corner, then did the same with his Henley. He took off his boots and put them under the chair, checking that the heels were in line with the chair legs. His jeans were next, folded and put on the chair. Then his socks because it had long since been drummed into him that there was no more ridiculous sight than a man who was naked except for his socks. Finally, he took off his boxers and placed those on the chair too. Without a word, he quickly slipped into bed beside Duke.

Nathan and Duke would have been lying if they said they didn't like the little show Dwight was putting on for them. But there would be other times to appreciate it more...because there was no denying there was a lot to appreciate. 

"Military guy through and through," Duke said with a grin as Dwight slipped into the bed and pulled up the covers. 

"Yup. You can take the man out of the Rangers but you can't take the Rangers out of the man. Not after that many years."

"Well then maybe you can finally help me get the slob over here to start pulling his weight and doing better around here," Duke said with a laugh nodding his head towards Nathan who was already getting himself comfortable in the crook of Duke's arm.

"Hey now, that's not fair!" Nathan said with a playful pout and a hurt tone. "No fair ganging up on me like that."

"Well someone has to help me save this poor boat from the mountain of mess you seem to leave behind you," Duke said playfully as he slipped his arm around Nathan, pulling him closer, his other arm folded behind his head.

"So I make a good pillow and a good cleaner?" Dwight said. "Good to know."

"Well, that's two things you are at least admitting you are good for," Duke said with a grin. "Oh, come on Squatch," he said, seeing the look Dwight was giving him. "You're much more than that."

"Yes, Duke, I know, I was joking," Dwight said dryly. 

Duke nodded and smirked as he heard the soft snoring from Nathan, signaling he had drifted off already. "Guess we'd better get some sleep too while we can... the light is going to be pouring through those portholes soon enough."

Watching Dwight for a moment, Duke shifted himself into a more comfortable position and closed his eyes, though he wasn't feeling all that tired at all if he was going to be honest with himself. 

Dwight turned over so he was facing Duke and settled down to try to sleep. Maybe the nightmares wouldn't creep in tonight. Not with Duke and Nathan right beside him. Maybe it would be a good night after all. Mostly he just hoped he wouldn't wake up screaming… again.

**


	4. Losing My Control

Sometime later Duke stirred, feeling movement beside him that roused him from his sleep. He felt Nathan curled against his back, relishing the familiar and comforting feel of his arm draped over him, soft breaths warm against the back of his neck. It was the slight tickling sensation on his hand that was just off enough to draw him from his light sleep. Opening his eyes, Duke smiled as he saw that Dwight still seemed to be sound asleep, though he had barely moved from where he had been hours earlier. Glancing down, the smile on Duke’s face broadened as he saw Dwight's hand was stretched out across the small space between them, and was now laying over his against the sheets that covered the oversized bed. Turning his hand over slowly, Duke laced their fingers together, just as they had done on deck hours before. Giving Dwight’s hand a gentle squeeze he closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

_Dwight stirred restlessly, the light sleep he had drifted into turning dark, as a nightmare crept in around the edges of his dreams. He was trapped. Something was holding him back, keeping him from moving or going anywhere. He was trapped and he needed to get free. He needed to run, to escape, to get to...someone… somewhere. His hand was caught…. In something… he couldn’t get free. In a trap again? His heart stopped for a moment as the memories flooded his mind…did they have him trapped again? No, it didn't hurt enough for anything like that. But still, he couldn't move, he couldn't get away. He froze in terror as the unseen thing tightened its grip on his hand. His heart was pounding, his breathing ragged. In the darkness me froze, glanced around, searching the blackness for some sort of familiar sight. For anything. For anyone. Yet all he could see was blackness and all he felt was the pounding sensation growing in his chest._

Just as Duke had started to drift back to sleep, he felt Dwight stirring again. But it wasn't the same this time. The random thrashing and muttered moans made that much abundantly clear. Pulling his one arm out from under Nathan, Duke rolled over so he could better face Dwight. Realizing Dwight was pulling at his hand, Duke unlaced his fingers and watched as Dwight relaxed for a brief moment, but whatever the dream was that was haunting him, it was still raging on. Duke shifted so he was sitting more upright and gently laid a hand on Dwight's arm. He knew how even the simplest and most innocent of touches could get warped by dreams and he didn’t want to add to whatever was tormenting his friend. But he also wanted Dwight to know he was safe.

"Dwight... it's ok... you're safe" he said gently, trying to wake him slowly, so as not to startle him and exacerbate things anymore. 

_Dwight lashed out at the unseen voice, its dark and sinister laugh taunting him as he struggled. As he fought, Dwight cried out against the voice as his hand finally was freed and he tried to run. He took a few steps only to find that his feet were now tangled, keeping him from escaping still. He thrashed around, trying to get away, fighting for his life as the panicked heartbeat thundered in his head and the weight on his chest seemed to intensify even more. He had to get away. He had to escape. Wherever it was, whoever it was, Dwight wanted nothing to do with the cold icy darkness. He had to get free and get away._

"Dwight.... " Duke said putting a hand on his chest, trying to rouse him. "Wake up Dwight, it's just a bad dream..."

Dwight’s eyes snapped open suddenly and he lurched upright with a ragged gasp. Eyes wide in terror, he pulled away from Duke’s touch as a frightened and injured animal would recoil from a hand reaching out- unsure whether it is to help or to hurt. Dwight stared wildly around the unfamiliar room as he tried to work out where he was, fighting the terror that was filling him with every moment as he fought to get back control.

"Easy there... just breathe," Duke said softly, putting a hand on his back, pulling it away as he saw Dwight visibly recoil from the contact. "It's ok Dwight. You're safe. Nathan and I are right here..." Duke watched him closely, only glancing over his shoulder as he heard Nathan shift and sit up behind him.

Dwight breathed heavily, his voice tight and strained. "Light…" he barely managed to gasp as he fought to speak around the lump in his throat.

Without a word, Duke reached behind Dwight and hit the switch on the wall by the bed, the lights coming on brightly, chasing away the shadows in an instant. Dwight stared around the room, twisted to look at Duke and Nathan, familiarized himself with where he was and who he was with. He let out a shaky breath, pulled the covers back over his lap, and ran his hands across his face. He didn't drop them away as he fought back the sobbing gasp that stuck in his throat for a moment. He just sat there, head in his hands, and tried to process and get his senses back under his control once again.

Knowing better than to push him to talk, Duke just sat quietly, hand lightly running over Dwight's back. He hoped offering his silent support with his presence would help Dwight until he was ready to talk. Nathan shifted closer as well, his hand resting on Dwight's leg comfortingly. Dwight flinched visibly despite is best efforts, even the simplest of touch sending him on edge at first before he tried to force himself to relax.

Dwight wanted to pull away, to run and hide, and to protect them from who he was. But he didn't… because he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to Nathan and Duke. They deserved better. They deserved to know the truth and to see who and what he really was. So, he stayed where he was, allowing himself to feel rather than keep himself numb and forcing himself to try and accept their presence rather than push them away as he had done for so long. Dwight sat still and silent on the bed and tried to soak up the comfort that Nathan and Duke so desperately wanted to give to him.

After a long time sitting quietly, Duke broke the silence. "Need anything Dwight?"

"Want to talk about it?" Nathan asked, knowing what the answer most likely was and cursing his inability to use words well.

Dwight shook his head as a hoarse whisper escaped his lips. “Thanks though…."

Duke nodded and watched him closely for a moment before giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and then pulling away. He saw the look in Dwight's eyes as he glanced over at him for a moment before he turned his head away in shame. He knew that look well. The silent pleading. The look that both cried out for comfort yet also pleased to be left alone. It was a look Duke was all too familiar with and as much as it pained him to see his friend in that state, he also knew it was what Dwight needed the most in that moment. There would be a time for words and comfort later… now was not that time for Dwight.

Clearing his throat slightly, Duke shifted and nudged Nathan as they both slipped out of the bed. "Sun's already coming up" he said casually. "I'm going to go get some grub started. Take your time Dwight, we'll be waiting for you," he said softly as he pulled on his pants and tossed Nathan's his, and headed out into the kitchen.

Dwight nodded slightly; the movement barely discernable even to himself as he watched them both leave. As he closed his eyes, he forced himself to try and relax as he took some slow deep breaths. In for four, hold for five, out for six. After a few minutes, the thundering in his chest was calmer though still echoing in his ears as the nervous energy of the adrenaline rush still had his entire body on edge. Dwight recalled his Ranger training and one of the things they had taught them that had helped him at least somewhat cope with the nightmares and the memories. With his breathing somewhat normalized, Dwight sat on the edge of the bed and ran through some grounding exercises, reconnecting himself with his five senses.

Five things he could see- the round portholes in the wall, the books on the shelf by the bed, his clothes neatly folded on the chair, the wood grain pattern on the bed frame, and the dark-colored pattern of the blanket that lay strewn over the bed. Then four things he could feel- the soft sheets on the bed, the rhythm of his heart beating in his chest, the roughness of the wall behind the bed, and the cool feel of the floor under his feet. Next was three things he could hear- the clang of pots and pans from the kitchen, the sound of Duke and Nathan talking, and the cry of the gulls out in the harbor. There were two things he could smell- the intoxicating aroma that always seemed to follow Duke wherever he went, and the at times overbearing scent of Nathan’s favorite cologne. And finally, one thing he could taste- the salty ocean spray that always seemed to be in the air. Sighing softly, Dwight opened his eyes.

Calmer now, the dark thoughts started to slip back into the shadows of his mind, but that haunting voice was still whispering in his ears as Dwight cursed it yet again. Duke and Nathan deserved better than this. Than him. He was nothing but a burden. Broken, Used. Worthless. A failure. He had nothing to offer anyone other than baggage. Duke deserved better and Nathan deserved more. They didn't need to be woken up by his nightmares, or to be burdened with having to deal with how fucked up he was. They didn’t deserve to be saddled with his problems. They didn’t need to be subjected to his messed-up way of thinking, his refusal to talk, his inability to easily accept comfort. Nathan deserved more than his weak insecurities. Duke deserved more than his self-destructive demons. Dwight knew he was not what they needed… maybe what they wanted at that moment, but not what they needed in the long run. He was too fucked up to even let himself accept at that moment that they cared. He knew they did, he knew how they felt, but he couldn’t allow himself to accept it and believe that it was actually real. He couldn’t let himself get that open, that exposed, that hurt again.

Dwight sighed heavily as he ran rested his face in his hands for a moment, fighting to reign in the battle that was raging between his head and his heart. He knew he was nothing but damaged goods, nothing anyone should ever give a second look to let alone actually want. Yet Nathan and Duke did, and they had been willing to let him know as much, even after everything that had happened and even with the alcohol’s effect long gone. They acted as if they wanted him. Needed him. And now Duke was making breakfast and Nathan was making coffee… as if nothing had happened. Nothing Dwight did seemed to push them away.

Where everyone else in his life had turned tail and ran at the first glimpse of who he really was, these idiots seemed to either be oblivious or just honestly were not bothered by it in the least. They seemed determined to give him not just their comfort and support but also their love, something he wasn’t sure he could return, even though there was nothing else he wanted more. They deserved better than him but if they were determined to put in the effort, he was going to at least give them what he could. With a deep breath, Dwight stood, pulled on his clothes, straightened the bed, and walked out into the kitchen area of the Cape Rouge.

**

“Nathan, where did you put the flour and sugar?” Duke asked with a sigh, his voice somewhat muffled from inside the cabinet he was searching through.

“Put them back in the cabinet like you asked,” Nathan said simply as he glanced over his shoulder.

“But where in the cabinet?”

“I don’t know…somewhere in there. Does it really matter?”

“Yes, yes it does,” Duke said as he turned around at last, the two containers in his hands. “I’ve told you before. Flour, sugar, salt… that stuff goes on the bottom shelf of this cabinet. All the other spices and such go on the other shelf in this cabinet. You know I like knowing where things are.”

Nathan stared at him for a moment, a somewhat blank look on his face. “Well, I got them in the right cabinet this time at least…”

“Oh, you are absolutely hopeless!” Duke exclaimed in exasperation though the broad smile on his face told Nathan he was already forgiven.

“Eh, you know you love me…” Nathan said with a smirk as he gave Duke a wink.

“Yeah, yeah I guess I do,” Duke teased as he stepped closer and leaned in, giving Nathan a quick kiss as he reached past him and grabbed the carton of eggs from the counter behind him.

Nathan returned the kiss and grinned playfully as Duke pulled away, his attention back to breakfast. “Guess I love you too,” he said as he flicked on the coffee pot.

Dwight couldn’t help but smile as he watched the two men in the kitchen. It was no secret to anyone in Haven what the two of them had. And anyone who knew them well knew just how special and how strong their relationship was. More than just seemingly being joined at the hip at times, Dwight could now see just how in tune they really were. It was like they shared the same brain in that moment as they moved so effortlessly around the kitchen.

Dwight watched for a moment, almost in awe at the way they moved easily around each other. It was almost like they were caught in a dance they'd practiced for their whole lives. They fit together so perfectly like they had been made from each other. There wasn’t a part for him in that dance. He didn't fit with them… did he? Was there really any chance at all that there was a place for him in that relationship? Or was he just setting himself up for another heartache all over again? His mind went back to what they had said just the night before- that they wanted him, that they understood, that they would be patient, that they would be gentle. Whether it was the right choice or the smart choice he didn’t know, but Dwight knew deep down that he had to at least try. He closed his eyes, took another deep breath, and cleared his throat as he stepped into the kitchen.

"Sorry," he said as he walked in, forcing himself not to turn away as they made eye contact with him "Bad dream."

Duke gave a nod and an understanding look. "Feeling better now," he said, making as much a statement as asking a question as he looked at Dwight. "If you are up for it, I should have some pancakes ready shortly."

"And don't forget the coffee," Nathan added as he brought the pot over and set it on the table along with three mugs. 

"Sounds great," Dwight said quietly with a grin as he sat down at the small table

Nathan poured the coffee and handed a mug over to Dwight, watching him closely.

"Ya know…" he said slowly, struggling in typical Nathan fashion, to find the right words. "You're not the first on here to take a swing after waking up from a nightmare. Duke sucker punched me in his sleep once a few years ago now.... Damn near cracked my jaw too."

"Yeah, well what did you expect?" Duke said defensively as he sat the first towering plate of pancakes down on the table. "That was shortly after I ended the contract with the McKilly gang. They weren't none too happy about it either…”

"Point is, you got nothing to worry about Dwight," Nathan said simply, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Nothing we haven't seen and dealt with before."

Dwight looked from Nathan to Duke, back to Nathan, then back to Duke again. "You really punched him, Duke?"

Duke sighed as he sat down in the chair between them. "Yeah. I did…. Nothing I’m proud about, and the bastard has never let me live it down either,” Duke said as he glared playfully across the table.

"You deserve it… cuz that hurt like hell!" Nathan said, rubbing his jaw as if it still pained him.

"Can't really blame me though. That was one hell of a nightmare… all I saw was big bad Dan McKilly standing over me threatening to turn me into the gang's new punching bag. Just turned out... it was Nathan shaking me trying to wake me up… not my fault really…." Duke grabbed is mug of coffee and took a drink as he looked over at Dwight. "But yeah, punched him good…" he said seriously.

"I punched the wall once.” Dwight said simply as he looked down at his hand and flexed it slightly. “Broke two bones in my hand… But never punched another person.”

“And let’s keep it that way!” Nathan said with a grin.

Dwight nodded. “Yeah course. Sorry about earlier. Last night was… last night was the first time I've slept next to anyone since…"

"Since you got back to Haven," Nathan said simply.

“Yeah…Was wonderful and all but guess…guess I’m just not used to it.”

Duke finished his coffee and grabbed the pot to pour another one as he spoke. "It's going to take time, Dwight. Maybe a little more time. Maybe a lot. But like we said, your time, at your pace.”

“You asked us to be patient and we will,” Nathan said reassuringly. “You are in control of how and where things go.”

“Want to come by now and then to hang out or whatever? Need time to yourself to be alone? Whatever you need. You're in control of it- whatever you want out of this, from here on out…just let us know." Duke flashed a soft smile at Dwight, hoping that the reaffirmation would help him feel a bit more at ease. 

Dwight nodded again. "Thanks," he said quietly. "Appreciate it."

"Anytime, Dwight," Nathan said simply.

"Alright, let's eat before everything gets cold!" Duke said with a grin as he grabbed the plate of pancakes and slid it across the table to Nathan and then over to Dwight.

Dwight grabbed a couple of pancakes and started to munch on them, sipping his coffee between bites. His mind had quieted down some and sitting there, enjoying something so simple and so normal as breakfast, it just made it all the easier to believe at that moment that maybe this could work out. Pushing the thoughts out Dwight allowed himself to just focus on the moment and what was right there in front of him at that minute.

Duke sat in silence as they ate, unable to keep his thoughts from wandering over everything that had happened the last 12 hours or so. There was no doubt that things had changed and this- relationship- or whatever you could call it that the three of them had formed over the years was forever changing. From acquaintances to good friends and now on to something even more, things had definitely changed. And just what those changes would entail and what they would bring about was still to be seen. But he couldn't deny that he liked the idea of Dwight being a part of whatever the future held for them. What exactly that was going to look like was unknown, but he was pretty sure they could handle whatever lay in store. 

Dwight had also been sitting quietly for some time, just enjoying the company and the semblance of normalcy that Duke and Nathan seemed to always be able to bring to him whenever they hung out and spent time together. It has always been an odd yet comforting quirk of their friendship and now it seemed to be holding true at an even deeper and more personal level. He had always known there was something special they had but he had to admit that it was still a surprise to him to realize just how far things had gone. And even more surprising when he found that Duke and Nathan felt the same way towards him. Even if he wasn’t sure where it would lead or how long it would last, Dwight knew he had to at least try. He would never be able to live with himself if he didn’t give this a chance, if he didn’t at least give fate the chance to give him the one thing he had hardly dared hope for. He had to at least try- Nathan and Duke deserved as much and by god he deserved that chance too!

Dwight started to say something, stopped, cleared his throat and tried again. "So, can I take you both out sometime?"

Duke and Nathan stared for a moment, trying to process what they had just heard.

"Yeah, sure...we always have fun hanging out," Nathan said, smiling as he looked from Dwight to Duke then back to Dwight.

"Where you wanna go? Gull's always open unless you want something more laid back and private," Duke said, fighting the urge to ask what happened to taking things slowly. 

Dwight shook his head. "No, I mean a date. Dinner, maybe."

"Oh, a dinner date," Duke said as the words sank in. "Of course, Dwight, sounds great. When and where?"

Dwight shook his head, holding a finger up as he smiled slightly. "Nah-ah. That's for me to know and for the two of you to find out." 

"Fair I guess," Nathan said with a chuckle. "Just don't keep us waiting too long ok?"

Dwight laughed as he reached for the mug in front of him and emptied it. "I'll do my best…. And will try not to disappoint” he added with a wink.


End file.
